Lohocla's Tipsy Turvey Teleport
(Alteration, Wild Magic)

Range:  10 feet per level
Components:  V
Duration:  Special
Casting Time:  2
Area of Effect:  Special
Saving Throw:  Special

Lohocla wanted to help wizards escape from dire situations or get rid of their enemies very quickly. Unfortunately, the spell tries to do both which lends itself to chaos and tends to accomplish the wrong solution. The disorder of this spell presents itself in many ways, as most of Lohocla's spells do. This spell isn't the most powerful spell (although it may seem so), mainly because it has a big chance of backfiring. It might get the wizard and his comrades out of trouble, but it could give them some new problems.
When this spell is used, the wizard is able to teleport a maximum weight of 250 pounds, plus additional 150 pounds for each level of experience above tenth (a 13th-level wizard can teleport up to 700 pounds), to a randomly selected place. If the optional saving throw is successful, the wizard and any comrades are teleported instead as long as everybody's weight is under the maximum weight able to be teleported. It is the DM's decision who gets teleported with the wizard if not everybody can be teleported because of the weight restriction.
Roll on the table below to see where the victims are teleported. The information is provided to assist DMs in a running a clever and humorous scenario. The places presented here are ideas and suggestions from fiction and non-fiction of the past, present, and future. The DM should feel to modify the locations as he sees fit to better suit his knowledge (some suggestions are give in the description).
The duration of the spell is 1d30 hours + 2d30 minutes + 2d30 seconds + 1 hour per level. DMs may opt to decide the duration based on his plans for the characters in the strange locations. DMs are encouraged to make these encounters exciting and unique. If the DM thrusts the characters into an exciting plot in a bizarre environment, then the DM should not be constrained by the spell's duration. The spell is intended to add thrills to a PC's adventuring career and a little fun for the DM's hard work.

Table A: Locations (1d20).

1.	Dodge City Saloon in Dodge City, Kansas (1874, real world). The characters find themselves just outside the swinging doors of an old west saloon in Dodge City, or an old west city the DM likes. Great scenarios exist in the root-and-tooted wild west. Hopefully, the character's arrival will stir up a lot of trouble with the outlaws, sheriffs, and other interesting folks. The DM is referred to the Complete Guide to AD&D Technology and the Boot Hill roleplaying game to assist in handling old west situations.
2.	Miriam's Place in Nepal (1936, Raiders of the Lost Ark). Miriam's Place is a dive nestled deep in the cold mountains of Nepal. Miriam, inherited it from her father Abner, an archaeologist. The adventurers can appear in the establishment before Indiana Jones or the Nazis show up OR any time the DM wishes. Hopefully, the characters will tag along with Indiana Jones as he searches for the Ark of the Covenant (treat as a powerful artifact). If DMs want to allow characters to adventure with Indiana, then he should watch the movie and take some serious notes. It will be worth it, even though the players have probably seen the movie. DMs may want Indiana to go back to the characters' world as an exciting NPC or new PC.
3.	Rosie's Bar or The Officer's Club at MASH 4077 in Korea (1950-1953, MASH television show). The characters find themselves in one of the local bars of the MASH 4077. The DM can put them in any time with the old or new cast. Many exciting scenarios exist with this mad-capped crew. Frank Burns can capture the characters as the enemy. Hotlips could be attracted to one of the more charismatic characters. The DM should consider picking his favourite episode and drop the characters in the middle of it. "5:00 Charlie".
4.	Schott's Brewing Company in Milwaukee, Wisconsin (1950s, Laverne and Shirley). The characters find themselves in the middle of the Milwaukee Brewing company surrounded by bottles travelling on conveyor belts and lots of other machinery. Two young workers, Laverne and Shirley, are nearby working. Of course, Laverne and Shirley will have to get involved with the characters, possibly even asking one of them out for a date (a good way to see the 20th-century city). DMs should watch the television show to see some of the mad-capped adventures they can get into if they stick with Laverne, Shirley, Lenny, and Squiggy.
5.	The Regal Beagle in Los Angeles, California (1980s, Three's Company). The characters find themselves in a corner booth of a small pub. Sitting nearby by are Jack, Janet, and Chrissie (or Terry). Across the room is Larry, picking up women. The Ropers (or Mr. Firley) are also in the pub. Many exciting plots can develop if the characters interact with the people. Of course, it should be based on a huge misunderstanding, DMs should watch the television show to see how goofy everybody acts. Hopefully, DMs won't go crazy watching the show.
6.	The Pacific Princess cruise ship somewhere on the Pacific Ocean (1980s, the Love Boat). Possibly one of the worst encounters, the characters find themselves at the bar by the pool or in the Pirate's Cove on the Pacific Princess cruise ship better known as the Love Boat. Of course, the first person they meet will be big-grinned Isaac Washington, the chief bartender. Other ship's crew are Julie McCoy, Gopher, the good doctor, and the captain. Hopefully, the characters won't be considered stowaways and can interact with everybody. All kinds of people can be passengers on the ship so the DM may go nuts with interaction. Please don't let Charo on.
7.	Alcohol Anonymous Meeting, anywhere (present, real world). The characters find themselves outside a door which has "A.A." on it. If they enter, the characters see a bunch of people who are discussing their alcohol problem. They openly welcome the characters who must have a problem given their strange appearance and behaviour.
8.	The Boar's Nest in Hazard County, Georgia (present, The Dukes of Hazard). The characters find themselves outside of a grey wood building with a Boar's Nest sign. There are some interesting motor vehicles in the dirt parking lot: an orange "racing" car with a 01 on the side and a confederate flag on top, a long white convertible with a bull horn on the hood, a nice-looking jeep with a golden eagle on the hood and "Dixie" written on the side, a old white pick-up truck, a tow-truck, and two beat-up police cars. If they enter the building, the characters find a country bar. Among the patrons are Uncle Jesse, Bo and Luke (or sadly Coy and Vince), Crazy Cooter, Enos, Cledos, and the sexy long-legged Daisy waiting tables in her oh-so-tight shorts. In a back room can be found Boss Hogg and Roscoe. Oh boy, the many scenarios in Hazard is unreal. The characters could get hired by Boss Hogg for a mischievous task. They could help the Dukes stop Boss Hogg and Roscoe do something terrible. They could get the Duke Boys out of trouble. And of course, everybody will want to become Daisy Duke's love interest. Personally, somebody should beat up Enos, that sissy hillbilly. Whatever scenario the DM creates, it should be based around the moonshine business. The DM should definitely have a hide speed car chase with all the jumps. The DM should also watch the show over and over again to really get the feel of Hazard County.
9.	Bush Gardens Amusement Park in Williamsburg, Virginia (present, real world). The characters find themselves riding on the Loch Ness Monster Roller Coaster, or another exciting ride. Hopefully, the characters can survive the ride and tour the amusement park and the brewery. The characters, dressing as adventurers usually do, will find themselves be approached by the tourists thinking that they (the characters) are part of the attraction ("Look honey, get a picture of little Albert with the medieval mage"). The only way the characters can get American currency is to sell their gold, silver, copper, and platinum pieces to the tourists (DMs should be stingy in this regard, as the tourists would be). Hopefully, the characters will buy some souvenirs after obtaining some cash. As the advertisement states: "Come. See. Conquer!".
10.	Cheers Bar in Boston, Massachusetts (present, Cheers). "Where everybody knows your name, and your friends they're glad you came...". That's right, the characters are in the famous Cheers bar with all the staff and patrons: Sam Malone, Norm, Cliff, Frazier, Carla, Rebecca or Diane, Woody or Coach. A DM should pick a favourite episode of the television show and thrust their characters in the middle of it. Many possible scenarios can take place in the bar. Their clothes alone allow Carla to insult the characters' wardrobe, Diane to believe the characters are a theatre group and request a performance, Frazier to try to help them mentally, and Norm and Cliff to accept them as long as they get a beer from them.
11.	The Corner Café in Lavale, Maryland (present, real world). The Corner Café is in the Country Club Mall. This is a typical mall bar and DMs should feel free to change this to a bar in a familiar mall. The main point of this encounter is to get the characters into a mall. If they can get a hold of some money and try to fit in, then they can have tons of fun shopping. Of course, interaction with the mall rent-a-cops would be fun as well.
12.	HammerJacks in Baltimore, Maryland (present, real world). The characters pop in amongst a large wild crowd in the ultimate heavy metal bar. The characters will mostly go unnoticed because everybody here is weird. Cans of warm beer for only $3.75 and drinks in plastic cups (glass is dangerous) for even larger prices can be bought. Overflowing toilets, sinks, and garbage cans are in the bathroom. But most importantly, the DM should have his favourite heavy metal (or close to heavy metal) group on stage with more groups to come. If the DM can't come up with one, have Guns N' Roses preforming when the characters arrive. Then Metallica and then Skid Row can perform. What a night, as long as the characters don't get drunk and pass out. This can lead to many exciting encounters, especially if the characters can get a hold of 20th-century technology, for example an electric guitar.
13.	Improv Comedy Club, Los Angeles, California (present, real world). The characters find themselves in the back of a dark bar. There is a stage in the front on which is a person performing comedy. A waitress asks the characters if they would like to be seated now and then takes there drink orders. This encounter is a great place for the DM to do a comedy routine if that is his forte. Hopefully, the DM will at least put well known comics on stage like Dennis Miller.
14.	Mo's Tavern in Springfield, U.S.A. (present, The Simpsons). The characters find themselves in the cartoon world of The Simpsons. What can be more exciting then being a cartoon. They get to me Mo, Homer, Barney, and the rest of the drunks. The DM is referred to the Toon roleplaying game to make this experience a memorable one.
15.	The Nudy Bar in Paw Paw, West Virginia (present, real world). The DM can make this a strip bar nearest (and maybe even familiar to) the DM. If the DM is not familiar with such things, then the characters will find themselves in the back of the Paw Paw, West Virginia Nudy Bar. The bar is packed with loud, obnoxious hillbillies whaling and slobbering over naked, tattooed, scarred, somewhat attractive women. Very few people will notice the oddness of the characters due to the floor show.
16.	The Safehouse in Milwaukee, Wisconsin (present, real world, James Bond movies). The characters find themselves outside a fairly non-descript cream brick building. The Safehouse is just south of the Windham hotel on Water Street. There is a deli on the north side of the building, and a restaurant on the west side overlooking the Milwaukee river. This is a secretive bar visited by men of government and specifically spies. Walking up to the east side of the building, there is a stairway leading up to a very simple door. The characters would assume that it is just a warehouse door, except for the sign which says "International Exports" (the name of the cover-company James Bond worked for). There is the main bar, and the "American Bar" in the Safehouse, along with a restaurant. Message tubes pass orders from the bars to the restaurant. The food is excellent, so popular the owners decided to open the deli on the north side of the building (which is an alternative entrance) which serves the same food during the day. There is a hologram "kissing booth" where a animated hologram woman blows a kiss for a quarter, an immense sliding wall puzzle in the restaurant, and a few other surprises. There is many exciting arcade games like Strategic Nuclear War, Star Wars, Spy Hunter, etc. Waitresses tend to be in elaborate states of dress and undress. The specialty drink of the house is Spy's Demise. DMs are encouraged to load up the Safehouse with spies and government men from television, movies, or the real world.
17.	Cantina on the planet Tatooine (future, Star Wars). The characters have entered a bar in a galaxy, far, far away. They are in the bar made famous in the Star Wars movie. DMs can have the characters enter the bar at the same time Ben Kanobi and Luke Skywalker are trying to get Han Solo to fly them off the planet or the DM can have them appear at any time during the Star Wars Trilogy (or anytime during a Star Wars roleplaying game campaign). No character, no matter how odd-looking, will be out of place in a location filled with a multitude of strange races. They could mistake everything for some spelljamming place (if familiar with spelljamming) until they see all the non-magical technology (laser guns, space ships, etc.). Great interaction can exist with interaction between the characters and the Star Wars personalities. Clever DMs can redo the Star Wars movies, the characters tagging along with Han and Luke.
18.	Paul Masons Winery, San José, California (present, real world). The characters get stuck in a tour group at the winery. During the tour they see modern wine making in action and then get sent to the wine tasting room for a little nip.
19.	Ten Forward on the Enterprise (future, Star Trek: The Next Generation). The characters find themselves in Ten Forward on the starship Enterprise. Unfortunately, the "Intruder Alert" alarm has been set off by the characters. At this time, the characters will surrounded by ship's security. Possibly, Guiana may realize that the characters are from another time and place (possibly another dimension) and will interrupt to save their hides. For high-level characters, the DM may want to have the Borg attacking the ship at the time of their arrival. The DM is referred to the Complete Guide to AD&D Technology and the Complete Guide to AD&D Star Trek to assist in helping with this place.
20.	The Promenade on Deep Space 9 (future, Star Trek: Deep Space 9). The characters find themselves on the promenade of the Deep Space 9 space station. Quark, the local proprietor of Quark's Place in the Promenade, greets the characters and tries to sell them many goods and services. Visit the holo-suite? Interact with the Starfleet officers? Maybe the borg are attacking the station? The DM is referred to the Complete Guide to AD&D Technology and the Complete Guide to AD&D Star Trek to assist in helping with this place.

